Learning for Yourself

Happy Wednesday!

Were you one of those kids (or adults) who always had to find out why you weren't supposed to do the things your parents or teachers told you not to do?

I was.

And so is Brady.

Every time we get out lately, he wants to go down to the shore to watch the lake. He watches every wave as it crashes. He is quite a meditative soul... watching until he gets a chill.

He's a wave watcher!

Usually we do it together.

Shore duo

Thanks to our sweet Esa for the cool pics!

On a sunny day, he saw some rocks at the edge of the shore line. "I want to go throw rocks down there," he told me.

"Uhh, Braeds. Those rocks are covered in a layer of ice, and they are all stuck together in a giant clump. You're not going to be able to throw them." I mothered.

"Yes, I want to throw them," he persevered.

I tried to convince him otherwise, but, deep in my heart, I knew he needed to see for himself.

The trek down was all ice, so we held hands and found our way to the shore. The wind was blocked behind us, and the sun sparkled on the rocks.

Shore jewels!

While basking in the glory of the moment, I heard him making whiny sounds. "Mama, help me!"

"What's up, Brady?"

"Help me get the rock!"

I slid down next to him and tapped on the rocks with my mitten. Even my boot!

He saw that none of them budged.

"See?" I told him. "All the rocks are covered in ice and frozen together. It's winter, Dove."

"It's winter," he repeated.

He sat for a bit longer and tried a few more rocks to no avail. Then I saw him shift.

"Are you ready to go back up?" I asked.

"Yes, let's go up."

We got up safely and went for a little walk around town.

I didn't need to reiterate my point, but I think he understood the condition of the shore after that.

Sometimes we just need to try it for ourselves... and hope that somebody patient and understanding is there for us.

Soooo, I hope that you are patient and understanding!

My big surprise is not ready yet. Hopefully by the weekend.

But I'm going to tell you what it is, and how you can find it.

Are you ready?

I'm starting a podcast! Woohoo!

If you don't know about podcasts, they are audio (or video) files that let basically anyone upload content about whatever they want to talk about and stream it directly to their listeners' devices.

If you already have an app for podcasts, you just might love this one!

It's called A Fresh Air Inspired Life and showcases Copper Harbor from the inside. As a blog reader, you are the first to hear about this in a public notice. Congrats!

The episodes are scheduled to air the first and third Tuesday of each month starting in February.

I will have unique and local guests, adventures and thoughts on why it's important to be a nice human. (Brady P. enforces the last one. Wink.)

Here's the link to the Copper Harbor Vitality site, and when the page is ready (hopefully this weekend!) I will make it live and you can click the first green "podcast" line or click on "Podcast" in the menu bar to listen to the intro episode!

I hope you love it as much as I've enjoyed creating it! 

I'm working one-on-one with the Virtual Yooper to set it up from files and codes, so you can hear independently run episodes created just for YOU!

Thanks, Virtual Yooper!!!

Alright, you beautiful soul. Enjoy the rest of your day!

Sunshine!!!

Hi!

We figured it out. Brady had influenza A. For two weeks! 

It was pretty rough for him. I even had to get him on antibiotics because he was spiking temps at 103 nine days after he had his first fever.

I won't stand for that.

Now he is back to his quirky, energetic self, and I am grateful.

Whew!

I was scared for a bit.

Thanks for the good vibes!

Ummm, don't tell anybody I told you this, but this winter has been weird. No freezing on the harbor from what I can tell. We had a couple wild blizzards, but not much for snow in between. 

My snowblower and I are not complaining. I am not one to complain because it's useless. Ha!

I just wanted to give you an honest report in case you were wondering. It's been either ice or slush between these blizzards. It's hard to believe it's January, but if you are looking for nice, quiet town to visit, come on up!

Cuz look at this sunshine!

Snow angel in the sunshine

Okay, we only got two days of sunshine, but we soaked them up for as long as little man would stay outside. We went for walks and watched the waves. It was fun to see people come out of the woodwork for a drive or a walk in the sun.

"Beautiful day," they would say.

B and I called it "Glorious!" I love how he says that word with me. Such a joyful lad.

I think and hope I will be able to unveil one of my surprises for you next week. Everything looks pretty aligned for it to launch. I think you will be excited! I get so excited that I shake!

Stay tuned for that.

In the mean time, be good to yourself. You deserve it!

Wind and Waves

Boy, these past few days have been wiiiiiiindyyyyyyy!

But we did not get half a foot of snow like the forecast predicted. It's still fall!

When the wind is up, the waves are up -- when it blows from the north... which it did!

We had to go check it out. 

Where's a good wave watching spot? Hunter's Point!

We bundled up, found an elevated spot to perch on and stared in awe.

It was super sweet moment. I sat on a rock platform and B sat on my lap. We kept each other warm as the waves pummeled up -- sometimes even past us!

We shouted and squealed when we saw something really massive. I couldn't believe how high the waves were splashing out in the lake, even! 

It was quite a sight, and we were happy to be a part of it.

Here are some pics from our venue.

And of course, Mr. Explorer had to venture out to see if he could get a little closer. Luckily, he stayed dry!

Remember to breathe. And stay warm!

Best Job in the World

The other day B and I were coming back from throwing rocks at the beach by the bakery.

Like many of our escapades, this one ended up with him riding on my shoulders for the last few blocks home. My almost eight-year-old can ride on my shoulders. That's pretty impressive!

As we passed a row of cabins, a young couple (middle-aged? I don't know!) walked past us.

"Hi!" I said because Brady P taught me to always reach out.

They did not say hi.

But then the woman looked at us and said, "You have the best job in the world."

It took me a minute to figure out what she meant. Because I am a mom? Or... because I am the mother of a little person with an extra chromosome?

Maybe that was it!

Cuz I am Brady P's mom!

I have the best job in the world!!!

I am so lucky!

And, you know what? She is right!

It is the best job in the world.

I have made it my priority to be the best mama I can be, so he can be the best person he can be.

Let me tell you, I wouldn't trade this journey for anything.

It took me too long to register what she may have meant for me to respond to her (I was already home!), but I am curious how she knows that.

Does she have this job too? Does she know someone else with this job? Does she want this job?

I don't know. 

But thank you, lady, for understanding the magnitude of this job, seeing it as something great and sharing that with me.

Do you know who else I would like to thank? All the people who see us in Copper Harbor, recognize us from this blog, and say hello! 

I really don't know if people are reading this, so it's nice to get positive confirmation. A shout out to Heather and Al -- the last people to introduce themselves!

See? We are all connected!

Hello from the best lake in the world!

Lake Lesson

Hey!

I miss you.

I sure hope you are doing well!

But, you know what? I'm learning, alright. I hope you are too. And I can help you learn from my mistakes, if that's okay. Some people learn best by reading, some by doing, some by taking notes, etc. I learn best by making mistakes. 

Ha!

You might remember that I've been quite busy lately. I mean, that's why I scarcely get to this computer to write you your weekly love note. 

It's not you. It's me. Wink.

So I've been busy, alright, and some things have been falling by the wayside as they say. I don't like that feeling.

Life ebbs and flows, however, and we just need to roll with it. But there are some things, like those good things that we do for ourselves to keep us sane and at peak performance that often get left on the side of the road.

Hint: try not to do that.

Starting in April of 2022, I decided to start doing cold water immersion.  Some people sit in ice baths up to their neck for as long as they can stand it. Some people take cold showers.

I have this large and lovely just-above-freezing body of water right down the road. 

I chose the lake.

Her Majesty, Lake Superior, that is!

My first try was 17 seconds in that beautiful frigid beast up to my neck. I made it 48 seconds the second time. Then I surpassed a whole minute!

I was trying to go in once or twice a week because it made me feel sooooooo good... after I got out and warmed up, of course! Let there be no doubt that lake is cold. I brought a thermometer in one time, and when I pulled it out, the mercury was at 33 degrees F.

Coming back to an icy shore

My point is that I was making this wonderfully exhilarating event part of my weekly routine. I was feeling sharp, full of energy and full of life.

Then I got "busy."

Wah waaaaaah.

I was doing all the things I mentioned in my last post plus all the other parts of life that I don't need to bore you with. We all have life to deal with. 

And we should be so lucky.

But let's learn and get it right, okay?

So after a month and a half of busyness taking over my "me time," (that's right, I didn't go in for 6 weeks!) I decided to go back into the lake. Just last week.

I was alone, and I had no towel, but I worked with what I had. I could absolutely feel that I had to get in there. I couldn't take it anymore!!!

So I went in for about 30 seconds at my favorite beach.

As I emerged, the sun warmed the beach rocks just enough, so I could warm myself.

Once I got to shore and felt humanness return, I sat in the rocks and then -- well, let me tell you what my journal says for that day.

    Then I sobbed.

    Sobbed and sobbed.

    "I missed you!" I cried to Her Majesty. (Repeatedly)

    "I needed that." I wailed. (Repeatedly)

    I came out and felt like a totally stripped down version of myself.

    I was not a mom. Or a deputy clerk. Or a girlfriend. Or a mountain bike coach. Or anything.

    I. Just. Was.

Yeah... I needed that!

And all the stress I had been feeling was rinsed away because I realized that I was putting it all on myself to be all those things in such a capacity that I was over-extending me.

Does this sound like anyone you know? Do you do this? How do you real yourself back in when you do?

More often than not we commit to more than we can handle. There are so many facets to life, and, in a way, it's fulfilling to be a part of as much as we can. But we must remember to always take care of ourselves or we'll have nothing left for other people, other jobs, other passions and other hobbies.

Whether this resonates with you or not, I thought it was worth sharing.

And, hey, if you ever want to try cold water immersion, I know a great place to go!

Busy Spring

Hey! I know I've been scarce lately. I sure hope you are doing well!

Here are my excuses.

Besides having an inflated amount of work and responsibility at the township office, B and I have been traveling a lot this spring. Like... almost every weekend. And we still have a couple trips left!

Luckily, it's mostly fun stuff. We went to Arkansas, so B could visit his dad and their family (and I could ride my bike and suntan!). I went to Wisconsin to take a rad mountain bike clinic with Brooks Adventures to learn how to jump and drop better. Then I had to buy some ramps for my own yard! Siiiiiiiiick!!!

Soon I will go to Grand Marais, MN (such a beautiful place!) to renew my Wilderness First Aid certification. Then right after that, B and I go to the Soo Locks, Tahquamenon Falls and a Pictured Rocks boat tour for a school trip. So fun!

So, really, all good things. 

Then once June hits, we can be here way a lot. I'm excited for that! 

I am pleased to say that little man has become quite a good traveler. He hands me things when he's done (an empty snack bag, his water, his iPad) instead of throwing it to the back of the van making it impossible to retrieve until we stop, and we are not stopping this van!!! Ha!

He also finds a lot of pleasure in looking out the window at the world. It's really cool to see. And if I put his window down a bit, well, you'd think he was riding a horse as he woohoos and yays back there. Such a hoot, that little man.

Though we are super busy, we are well.

My anxieties of taking him places with me are dwindling. He is usually such a good kid! He likes to push the cart when we grocery shop, which makes him feel purposeful (and keeps him right next to me).

He is such a charmer to all the people we see. Man, that aspect about him just boosts my soul! He is such a gift.

And now that nearly all the snow has melted, we get out to throw rocks. Woohoo! That is Mom's break time. Ahhh, time to bask in the sun (or hide from the wind) and listen to the splashing, plunking and gulping of B's rocks in the lake.

Hello spring. For real, this time!

My little caster!

Mama the Mule

We've had some blizzards and such lately. High winds too. Even single digit temps.

I'm not complaining, just stating the past weather report in case you were curious. Besides, it's winter, so if we didn't have those things, it would mean the world is coming to an end.

Or something...

But I've been feeling super awesome lately, and I want to make sure B and I get out for some fresh air without getting frost bite.

Saturday was the day.

The sun was even shining!

I somehow convinced him that we were going for a ski. I would wear my cross country skis, harness up and pull him in his Thule Chariot on skis -- one of my saving graces of motherhood.

I bundled him up with blankets and set one of those hot water bottles in his lap. He must love to watch me ski because he is quiet back there now.

When he was younger, he would cry shortly after we got out, and our trip would always be cut short.

The two times we got out so far this year have been miraculous in that department.

But back to Saturday.

Yes, the sun was shining, and he commented on that several times. We hitched up, and I took him on the Fort Wilkins trail starting by Our Lady of the Pines church. 

The wind was from the south, so it blew over the East Vein ridge and across Lake Fanny Hooe.

But the sun was shining!

I pulled him to the Fanny Hooe Creek and promised he could get out because he was getting antsy. The trail then takes a curve and parallels Hwy. 41 on the way back to town.

You know the one.

He got out and pushed the Chariot while I skied. Before we started this leg, I asked, "Should we go see the lake? We are right by the lighthouse overlook."

"No, thank you, Mummy. Let's go."

A bit disheartened, I forged back home. He was good at pushing from the back. What a great break for me!

But not more than 30 yards along, he yelled, "Stop!"

"What's up, Dove?"

"Let's go to the lakeshore."

Now when I am all hitched up, my total length from the tip of my skis to the back of the Chariot has to be about 10 feet. Not an easy turnaround stunt on a ski trail.

But the lake was worth it, so I maneuvered us 180 degrees to go see Her Majesty. It's been so windy and cold, that B hasn't been there for quite a while.

So to the lake we went.

The shore is different in the winter time, of course. Thick layers of ice create a false shore and extend out above the lake itself.

We crawled down a bit over some frozen wave formations.

And we sat.

"Let's sit together," he said.

He sat on my legs, and I wrapped my arms around him.  What a sweet moment in life.

But then he did was I always do.

He got up and kept going... toward the water.

"Mummy, let's go!" he charged.

Oh my goodness. He is me. 

He crawled over those frozen humps on a mission.  On all fours, if he had to.

Suddenly I was all the people who I nearly give a heart attack to when I bolt to the shore over unknown conditions to the very edge.

But I had to let him go.

I don't let anyone stop me, and I'm not going to stop him.

We went together, of course. I love it too. I just finally felt it from a more cautious person's point of view.

So there we sat on the edge of the thick ice -- maybe two to three feet from the water. The depth below was probably to my knee or thigh, so, on the off chance we went in, we wouldn't die.

At least not from drowning.

There we sat and watched the low waves roll in and splash the ice in front of us. It was a dream come true.

There I was, doing something adventurous (and a little precarious) with my offspring. On the shore of Lake Superior in the sunshine. In the winter. In Copper Harbor.

We both loved it.

My heart swelled so big.

It made all the hard times worth it. I felt victorious. 

So we sat watching the undulations creep toward us.

"Oh! Here comes a big one!"  he would shout. Or I would.

Then we would mimic the sound it made.

"Do you feel safe?" I asked him.

"Yes, I feel safe," he said.

I explained to him why it was safe for us to be there at that moment. But even so, we had to pay attention to our surroundings.

He agreed to pay attention.

And he really did. He listened to the sounds. He watched each wave roll in. He felt the ledge beneath us.

He did great.

He is getting it, and I am so proud.

But I was also getting cold.

Pulling a 70 pound sleigh makes you sweat. Well, at least it makes me sweat!

So I was getting chilly sitting on a shore made of ice.

"Okay, Braeds. I'm getting too cold. We have to go now."

Mind you, I also gave him plenty of warning that this moment was coming.

"No, Mummy. I can't."

Ugh.

I could tell that it was going to be a real challenge to convince him that we had to go back. I get it. I didn't really want to go either, but I was only going to get colder until I could be a mule again.

I did my pretend walk away in hopes he would follow, but he didn't even care. I went back to sit beside him for a "couple more" waves. 

Finally, he agreed to walk back with me, so I didn't freeze. It didn't take long before I heated up. Even just walking helped.

We crossed the highway and waved to some friends driving by. I bundled him up and harnessed myself up.

Down the trail we slid. The trail was not tracked, but it was quiet and peaceful. I was in heaven. That whole ordeal meant so much to me!

Boy, this post is getting really long, but those are most of the good parts, so I'll leave it that for today. Just know that we made it back with only a couple tribulations. Ha!

We are tough.

Oh, and a picture of Her Majesty from a different sunny day... when I had my camera.

Keeping It Fresh

Hi!

Is it Thursday already?

Things are a little, well, quiet up here right now. 

So Brady P and I go around breaking the silence. So far we are 1-0 praise to complaints. Hopefully that stays in the positive because we are only using our smallest speaker and no lights... yet.

These days, modern technology is so that I can carry my downloaded dance tunes with me and play them wirelessly through a little speaker. Brady P must have thought I looked so cool with the speaker because now he wants to carry it on his pocket.

It gives him a new pep in his step, all right!

Pocket speaker and a spanking for the lake

I don't know where he gets those moves...

So we'll walk around town dancing to tunes. Usually we'll hit a shore or two to throw rocks and dance for the lake.

We really dig it.

It is perhaps the highlight of our day: fresh air and dance moves.

Keep it real, peeps. Keep it fresh, keep it movin' and keep it fun!

Morning Run

Hi!

I have already exhausted myself today.

Pretty much all with good things, so no complaints, I suppose. But tired nonetheless.

Here are some (completely unedited) pictures from my run this morning, as it was beautiful, refreshing and much needed!

Her Majesty, Lake Superior

White Worm Coral Mushrooms -- I think!

Post Sunrise on Lake Fanny Home

Trail Love

And if you haven't already heard, the leaves are pretty peak up here. I don't have any good pictures, but here is a not-so-good one from my drive on Monday.

Covered Stretch Colors in the Rain

Okay, see you next week!

Be kind.

Dig deeper.

Prevail!

Still Rockin' It

Hey!

I hope you're doing great.

We sure are! It's been such a wonderful summer. I think we're making the most of it, and that means a lot because snowblowing season is not far off... and that one seems longer. Ha!

Town sure is busy, but it's the last hurrah before most students go back to school -- if they haven't already!

Brady P and I still manage to find some solitude up here though. We know some of the secret spots, and we take full advantage.

He absolutely loves to hike the trails, especially when there's a beach or two or three on the offshoots.

"Mummy, look it! A beach! My favorite!" he'll shout like someone just gave him a pony. I absolutely love his zest and gratitude for anything remotely joyful. It sure helps me remember it too!

So we've been sure to find new places to throw rocks and hike. It keeps life exciting, you know? And it breaks him out of his routine bubble a bit. He is really a man of tradition, so it's nice to see him curious and seeking new things.

Like actually wading into Lake Superior! It's finally warm enough for more than a cool-off plunge. I'm so glad he enjoys that because it sure has been hot!

And there are always rocks to throw.

Always.

Taking It All In

I have to tell you about this moment I had with Brady P last week.  Well, Brady P. and the greatest freshwater lake in the world.

The air was chilly and breezy, but I knew we could handle it.  As long as we bundled up... and I brought a blanket to sit on because it snowed a bit that morning.

B loves Hunter's Point, so whenever I tell him we're going there, he complies with all the necessary prep like getting his jacket and boots on and getting into the van.  

I drove to Hunter's Point to get us out of the house for a bit.  And see that beautiful lake.

We walked down the boardwalk to the lakeshore.  At the end, of course, we got hit with a facefull of wind. 

"Brrrrrr!" I shivered.  "Good thing we have a blanket!"

I let him pick our path to the shore.  He likes to make decisions.  And when we got to just the right spot, I laid down our blanket.  I sat on one end and he sat on the other.

You know what we did then?  

We became one with the waves.

You've probably heard me talk about this before.  Brady P. has this fascination with the rhythm of the waves and the force with which they break and splash.  He will sit there mesmerized as his body works into little convulsions with each crash.

I have grown quite fond of this characteristic of his, so I have started doing it too.  I let my body get all excited when a nice looking wave rolls to the shore.  Then I shake and tense up just as it crashes with my eyes and mouth wide open.

It probably looks so silly.

Especially when we both do it.

But that's what we did!

And then he crawled onto my lap.  I covered his little legs with his end of the blanket and snuggled him in my arms to keep us warm.

Then we watched the waves together.

Oh, I should tell you that the beach that day was carved out pretty low, so the waves broke just below our head height.  We were sitting quite close to the water level, so it almost seemed like we were floating on the lake too.

It was so cool.

But I honestly think that was one of the most special times we had out there together.  He didn't throw a single rock.  We just watched each wave come in with the utmost curiosity, excitement and respect.  Cuz we got sprayed a couple times!

And there I was with the world's sweetest little angel boy in my lap as our bodies shook together with each roll and crash.  Then we would look at each other and silently agree that that was a super good one, and then look out at the lake again to watch the next wave.

Silently.  Respectfully.  Curiously.  Understood.

It was really so magical that I knew I had to tell you about it even when we were still out there.  It was a few days ago, so I can't do the moment justice.

But one of the oddest parts to me was that he did not pick up a single rock to throw.  Not one!  And he's my little rock chucker.  

Not that day!

That day we took it all in.  Sometimes you have to do that.

You know full well that this is not a picture of Hunter's Point.  Nor was it taken last week.  But hey, I had to slap on a picture of her Majesty somehow!

Summer to the Fullest!

Man, summer sure is a difficult time to actually sit down and write at a computer.  There is so much more to life!

I missed you last week.  Want to know what's funny about that?  Last Tuesday I started writing to you, but by Wednesday, I changed my mind and I never published.  

Ha!

So just let me say that I finally got my little boy back with me.  We have been having so much fun!

It's amazing how, when a mama gets a break to do all the other things she needs to do, after her child comes back, all she wants to do is spend time with them!

Well, at least I do.

Brady P. and I have been spending every day playing.  Playing in the yard, going on walks around town, throwing rocks, finding adventures and new trails for him to hike (he loves to hike!), being goofy and laughing our butts off.

One of his talents is to blow raspberries on my belly so slowly that it sounds like a Harley Davidson idling under water.  Hilarious!

Two nights ago, I laughed soooo hard that I shook to the core.  It was much needed.  So wonderful and so healing.

Thanks, Brady P!

The rare Lake Superior water zombie emerges!

So we are doing great, just in case you were wondering.  

I hope you are too!

We have also been doing schoolwork.  It's necessary, so he doesn't regress in his cutting, reading and writing.  Oy!

Yesterday we drove 7 hours to Marquette hospital and back just to have his new urologist read his ultrasound from our local hospital and ask me a few questions.  Kinda seemed like overkill, but B was great on the drive.  Whew!

And his kidneys look great!  Hooray!   Some kids need to go on dialysis after having the ureter issue he had after birth, but we seem to be on a good trajectory.  Nice!

If you're curious, it's berry season!  Bils, thimbles, dews and blues are out.  Raspberries are coming soon!

See you next week.  I hope!

Smiles from the Boat

Hi!

A day late and a buck short.  I know.  

But I have a life sometimes!

My family came to visit!

I am not going to report much except the fact that my sister, son and I got to take the pedal boat onto the Harbor on an amazingly calm day...

...just before a thunderstorm came!  We hauled the boat back right before the sky let loose.  Whew!

Thanks for your patience and understanding with me.

All we can do is our best at any given moment.

And be grateful.

Beach Bum

Oh my goodness.  Is it summer, or what?

Hoy!

So we've been swimming.  A lot.

Brady P. hasn't really liked to swim the past few years, but he is getting taller, and more open to it.  Last week he went into Lake Manganese up to his chest!  

Just wading around and enjoying the coolness.  He told me he was alright, so I let him have at it.  I was so proud.  That was the farthest ever on his own!

Today we went to Lake Fanny Hooe.  His dad has a house on that lake, so we get to use their beach.  It's perfect for a little guy!  Sandy, shallow and gradual.  No weeds.

We floated there from the dock on his pizza raft from Uncle Matt.

And after previously watching the bigger kids (and mom) jumping into the big lake lately, plugging their noses and cannonballing off of docks, he had his own rendition of how to jump into a lake.  

Here it is!

If he's not swimming or wading, he likes to throw rocks.  As long as he's mindful of the other kids, it's okay.  But man, sometimes we have to remind him loudly.  His aim is impeccable.

Stay cool!

Lifesavers

Hi!

I'm back!

Like, back in my own skin.  Back with my spirit.  Back in my normal reality of strength, positivity and light.

Did you miss me?  I sure did!

Let's be real here.  All this... stuff... turbulence... chaos... whatever you want to call it (it will get its name as a historical reference some day) is really hard to deal with.  Not just at the governing levels, but in our hearts.  And souls.  Collectively.

As in, all of us together.

This is not easy for anyone to deal with.  Whether we are aware of it or not, we are struggling as a human race and as individuals.

Maybe you already had your deep dark moments.  Maybe they are still coming.  

As for me, I already had my... ummm... darkest moments of my life.  I bet you could tell by reading my recent posts.  Some people even reached out after reading the last couple to ask if I needed help.  (Thank you for that!)

Also, I just had nothing to say.  Nothing that wasn't completely mopey.

Do you want to know my story?  

It's pretty dark, but I want to tell it because it's real, and I just hope it helps you feel not so alone right now.

Or, hopefully, ever.

It involves depression and suicidal thoughts -- two things I never understood or experienced at this level before.

See?  It's dark, I know.  You can stop reading if it's not your cup of tea.

I won't judge.

But if you continue, you might actually want to pour yourself a cup of tea!

Remember when I had to send Brady P. to his grandparents' house during a pandemic because it was just too hard for me to do it all by myself?

Well, I've been raising this boy for five years (basically on my own), so I should have been able to endure the six weeks that lead up to that time.  Sure, I've been exhausted and needed a break before then, but depressed?  No.

Here's when I knew something was different.

Remember that pandemic were (are?) having?

Yeah, that's super stressful in itself apparently.  

It was quite soul-repressing here in Michigan (and many other states) for weeks.  That weighed on me more than I knew.  

I noticed something was going on when, four days after Braeden came home after being gone for two weeks, I suddenly started trying to figure out a place where I could jump into Lake Superior and swim as far into the middle as I could before I drowned or died of hypothermia.  

It had to be fool-proof because I wasn't coming back.

Then I thought, "Oh, man.  What about Braeden?  I just can't abandon him.  Who will find him in the middle of this mess?  Who will take care of him?"

And downright seriously, the amount of energy it would have taken for me to get him ready to be with someone else who could take care of him until another member of his family arrived was so overwhelming that I just never got around to it.

Yup.  Something else was going on.  That was my first suicidal thought since middle school.  Middle school is way awkward.

But I didn't know what was going on.  And I could not understand how a cute, sweet, loving, funny, smart, entertaining, simply amazing little boy could make me feel that way.  Even if we were together all the time and I had to halt all my other jobs.

May 27, 2020 ~ I took Brady P. in my bed to snuggle that afternoon because he was cranky (well, he was dealing with me!) and I thought maybe he would rest or nap.

No such luck.  Then I thought about maybe taking him for a drive, so he could possibly fall asleep.  Even though I was tired too.  I wanted to nap.  I had been crying already that day.  And the previous days.

While we snuggled and he massaged my eyebrow, he suddenly smacked me in the face a couple times (totally unwarranted from what I could tell), and I lost it.

I slammed my hand on the bed, making sure I did not hit him.  Even then I knew better (thank you!).  Then I bawled to him, "You can't hit me!  I'm already broken!  Please, just be nice to me!  Remember?  Please!"

As his face filled with sorrow, I doubled over and sobbed.

Sobbed!  

Where could we go for a drive where I could end it by driving straight into the lake as fast as possible making sure that we flew in deep enough so we could not be rescued?

The docks and cliffs and beaches flooded my mind as I searched for the perfect one.  Then I realized that I would be taking Brady P. with me... to die.  

That didn't seem fair.  He didn't want to die.  He is here to save the world, and I couldn't take that away from him.

So the moment I asked myself: do I take him with me or not, I started sobbing a whole different cry.  It was total and utter despair.  It was dark and apathetic.  It was so absolutely void of consideration of any other person I knew and loved (except for my little man, who really didn't need to come with).

Then what would I do with him?  How could I go in alone???

Good lord, did I bawl!  

Ask my sister because the next thing I did was call her and bawl and bawl and bawl.

And let me give kudos to her because everything she said was the right thing at the right time.  

Quick depression tip: if you are that depressed (or even start to be), call someone who has been there.  They can empathize with you.  It also helps if they see their own therapist and love to give advice (I love you, Katie!).

One thing she kept saying was, "Who can you call to help you with Braeden?  Who can give you a break?"

"I was going to call Miss Sue," I sobbed.  "She's his aid at school.  She loves him and understands him."

"Call her," she said,

But I was too emotionally wrapped up.  Too dark.  Too down. Too full of tears.  And still talking to her because her understanding helped me talk it out.

Just then, I heard a "ding dong."

"Oh, God," I thought.  "The last thing I need is a visitor right now."

But guess who it was.

Miss Sue. 

*** Insert angelic choir "ahhhh!"***

She had her bike helmet in her hand as she started to walk back down the steps because I was so slow to answer.

I hung up with my sister and thanked her for all her words.  Then I opened the door.

"Miss Sue!" I called.  "We're here.  Come on in."

Knowing how much she loves Braeden, I figured she would just navigate toward him.

"Pardon the mess," I said.  "I've been really depressed."

She stopped walking, and I thought she was just looking at Braeden who was watching his computer (my quick technique to distract him while I called my sister or jumped into the lake...)

But she was staring at me.

"I've been having a really hard time," I continued.  She took me in her arms and just held me while I bawled to her about how broken I felt.

She just hugged me and whispered, "It's okay.  It's okay."

Her voice was soft and calm like she was trying to quell a crying baby.  

Haha.  I guess she was.

When we pulled apart, she asked, "How about if I take him for the evening?"

My tears stopped for the first time in nearly an hour.  "The evening?" I thought, wondering what that really meant, yet finding peace in it.

"He can come to our house," she continued.  "What time does he go to bed?"

I was in shock.  Who was this angel who appeared out of my prayers to save my life?

"Like, 8:00," I squeaked.  I looked at the clock.  It was 2:15.  "Let me just give him some lunch and change him and get him to you proper." I decided, so I didn't feel like such a failure.

I quickly did some math and realized that I would have 5 hours to myself.  5!

That was time enough for a nap.  And an outdoor activity.  And some tidying up.  And... whatever else my body told me to do.

I instantly felt a glimmer of freedom.  And a twinge of hope.

Miss Sue may very well have saved my life that day.  (Thank you, Miss Sue!)

Oh, man.  This is getting really long.  I'll try to nutshell the rest.

Long story short...

I started to rest, reflect and recover.  I had a friend hang out with B for at least a couple hours each day for the next few days, so I could do whatever I needed to do to heal.

I talked to my friends about how I was feeling, and they were sooooo helpful and supportive.  And, maybe not so surprising, they had recently felt the same.  I made sure to check in with them each day, if they didn't find me first.

Slowly, but surely, the darkness and heaviness began to lift.  I began to feel the vitality that I'm made of.  And as I looked back and back, I just could not believe what I had been through.  Those few weeks feel like months.

One day I had a revelation that it was not me or my lifestyle that made me feel that way.  I am one part of all of humankind. We are in really hard times, and I felt it.  I had to  feel how deep it was, recognize it for what it was, learn from it and let it go.

Remember when I said we have to "face the turbulence?"  Holy crap, did I ever watch it staring at me!  I had visions of it grating my soul with both hands against the pavement as little bits of it ripped off and rolled away.

But hey, I am still here!  And so  are you!  Congratulations!  We are doing it!

We need to be here for each other.  In a big way.  We need to be honest about what we're feeling in a constructive way.  We also need to focus on what we want to happen, or we will go down the spiral of all that we are afraid of.

And that doesn't just go for times of global unrest.  It goes for every day life.  We don't know, at any given time, what might make somebody feel like the world is too much for them.  We have to keep a close group of friends that we can trust to talk to about anything.

Who are your people?  Do you have them?  If not, please reach out to some one you can talk to face to face.  A phone call is a good start, even.  It puts another person on the line.

As for Brady P, he is doing well.  He is much more loving to me because my spirit is flowing freely.  I am not stuck.  I am not depressed.

But do you know what?  If someone that I know and love is, I can try to help them!  And hopefully I can say all the right things like my sister did.

Love yourself.  Love others.  As we become stripped down, we will find that's all we really have.

Thank you Katie and Miss Sue.  Thank you Craig and Miss Snow.  Thank you Windy, Mom and Dad, Erika, Staci, Ronna, Barbie, Stacia and everyone else who helped me through more than you know.

And thank you, Brady P.  I'm sorry you had to see me like that for those weeks.  It was not your fault.  But we got through it together.  Brighter days are ahead.

Let's do our best to be around so we can enjoy them.