Wednesday, May 27, 2020

One Cool Kid

Hi!  I will spare you my words.  

Here is Brady P. for you.

* * *

Hi!  This is Brady P.

I lost a tooth last week.  I didn't even know until Mom told me it was missing.  She was really excited, so I looked into the mirror to see it was gone.  We don't know where the tooth is, but I feel really cool!

People get excited and they want me to show them it's missing.  I think that's kind of weird, but I am still cool.  Mom says that was the first tooth in and the first tooth out.

Missing tooth face!

It has been very sunny outside, so we get to throw rocks everyday.  We even went to Hunters Point yesterday.  I like it there.  Mommy took me on her bike.

I get to play in the yard too.  I really like frisbee and flipping my turtle toy.  We don't stay out as long as we used to because of the bugs.  They tickle my face and head and then I get little spots of blood on my ears and neck.  They are just little bugs and I don't hear them buzz, but I feel them tickle.

I have a new trick to play on Mommy.  I say her name and then she says, "Yes, Braed?" and then I say "Nope!" 

She laughs cuz I trick her every time.  It's funny.  I can't believe she falls for it every time.  I trick her like 100 times a day!  She tries to trick me too, but I made up the trick, so I don't fall for it.

I hope Mommy is okay.  She cries sometimes.  She says that she just wants me to be nice to her.  She starts to cry when I throw things or hit her with my toys.  She stops what she's doing to cry and says, "I am so nice to you, can't you please just be nice to me?"

I say "Yes," but then I forget and hit her the next time she doesn't let me do just what I want.  I feel bad because I just want her to be happy.

I am excited to see Grammy and Daddy and Kelsi and my little brother Cedar.  And Luski my puppy.  Luski likes to play with me.

They are coming to Copper Harbor for the summer.  I will show them how good I can read.  And how high I can jump on the trampoline. And how fast I can run.  And how funny I am.  And how good I eat my lunch.

I am really cool.  I just want all the world to know that.  Someday I will be able to see hundreds of people and not just my mom.  Cuz she already knows I'm cool.

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Keeping Him Corralled


Yesterday was so lovely that we just played outside.  Pardon my tardiness.  But things could be worse!

We are doing well.  I think that break was good for everyone involved.  And now... back to the grind!

Buy, hey, the weather has been spectacular!  And the buds are coming out on the trees!  It feels like summer right now.  Before the bugs.

Gosh, I really don't have any proverbial insight for you.  Or even a story, really.

I can tell you, however, that the effort it takes to keep a fast-moving/curious/rebellious 5-year-old boy in the yard is exhausting.  He already outgrew the fence I tried last year.

I'm not a white picket fence kind of girl, but we'll have to think of something because, well, quite honestly, it could be a few years before he fully understands why he needs to stay safe in the yard.  Feel free to send me any suggestions.  Ha!

He sure is fun, though.  And I'm so pleased at how much he loves to play outside.  He's already working on his farmer's tan and learning new games.  I'd like to keep that going in a fashion where I don't have to keep my eyes on him the whole time.  You know, cuz, I'd like to think I still have other facets to my life!

Okay, I've blabbed enough.

Things are looking up around here as the town is now allowed to reopen carefully.  Even the sentiment that the higher ups are loosening restrictions allows my soul to settle a little deeper into my body.

I hope you are doing well.  Really!  I do!  I think about you more than you can imagine.  Kind of creepy, but it's true.  Sometimes you come with me on my adventures.  I just hope you are doing well and working on that peace in your heart.  But always remember -- it's a tumultuous ride to get there!

Still chucking them!

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Vulnerability Spike


I totally missed you last week.

I didn't forget, I just didn't know what to say.  Or how to say it.

Don't worry, everything is fine now, but it got really hard for a bit.

I bet you have an extra stressor or two or three since this pandemic hit, too.  We all do!  We all do.  Everyone's situation is different.  Everyone's new stress load is different. Everyone handles their new stress differently.

So please don't judge anyone else.  You don't know what they are going through.  If you are not going to help them, let it be.  We are all at different points in our life in our growth.   We are ALL still learning.  And just when you think you know it all, WHAM!  You learn a hard lesson.

Let me be vulnerable here and say that I was judging myself.  Not only was I holding my expectations for raising a 5-year-old with extra needs too high, I projected  the judgement I put on myself onto others.

That means, I felt others were also judging me.  

As I type that out now, it sounds really dumb.  

I wish I would have typed it weeks ago.  That is really a harsh thing to think that anyone would belittle a solo person who has a hard task and constantly tries their best.

If somebody was looking negatively upon me, however, that's not my problem. I still did my best.

Want to know what I had to do?  

I had to send Brady P. off to his grandparents' house.  During a pandemic.  Because I simply could not be that great parent that I was when this all started.  I was hardly a parent at all.

I was crying everyday.  I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually depressed.  Exhausted.  I could barely stand one day.  I gave everything I had to my son during our 6 week stretch together, and I nothing left for me.


Instead of having fun times outside, playing catch in the yard, making each day's dose of schoolwork fun, preparing healthy meals, stretching and dance parties, laughing and singing, incorporating physical therapy into his activities, etc, etc, etc, I laid down.

I laid in my bed.  I laid on the couch.  I curled up in the fetal position on the shore when he threw rocks.

"I'm so sorry, Brady P," I would tell him.  "Mama just can't get up right now."

And I could only get up for necessary biological functions for the both of us.

Once I hit day two of that depression, I knew I had to make a change.

Neither him or I deserved to live like that, and it wasn't going to get better under the current circumstances.

Pandemic or not, he was going somewhere safe where he could get the attention and stimulation he deserves.

And I could sleep.  Or go out for that golden hour walk in the evenings.  Or listen to my favorite songs uninterrupted while doing the dishes uninterrupted.  Or work on my art without getting yelled at.  And so many other things that I could just do... if I wanted to.

Last night's golden hour... because I can!

I am much better now, and he is great.

I am so excited to see him in a few days.  This time to myself has been healing and, dare I say it, much deserved.

I have gotten over the guilt I felt for not being able to take care of him like he deserves.  And I feel lighter.  Even bearing that guilt made me heavier.

So why am I telling you this?  Why am I publicizing the fact that I felt I failed at my most important job?

Because, chances are, I'm not the only one with struggles.  I am not the only one who felt guilty for the fact that I couldn't do it all like I could when this all started.  I am not the only one who needs a break from the fear we are fed and a chance to feel like things are okay and that life will go on.

You probably feel that way, too.  And do you know what?

It's okay!

It's okay to not be able to do all.  It's really okay.  Even taking a break from one seemingly never-ending task to do something different helps immensely.  Not only is variety the spice of life, it's essential.

How about that?

So please go easy on yourself, and do your best until you need a break.  Hopefully you have someone you trust to help you with your own needs -- whatever they may be.  But recognizing them is necessary.

Okay, my best goes out to you.  Thanks for being a good person.